If you’ve ever lived with anyone whose fallen victim to some sort of addiction, you get to where you can recognize the signs of denial. For as many addictions as there are – there are an equal number of manners in which to cover up those addictions. At some point the evidence of that addiction usually has a way of rearing its ugly head.

Yesterday I felt very much like an addict covering her tracks even though my situation was purely innocent. I was straightening up the shelves in the pantry. (No, really I was only cleaning!) Those kids of mine leave empty boxes of cereal and snack goods on the shelves rather than throwing them away when they polish something off. So annoying!

I came across an opened bag of Cheese Puffs that had about 12 cheese doodles left in the bag. My head was telling me to transfer the doodles to a sandwich bag, but my mouth started watering for the fluffy processed cheesy bits of air that provide the most satisfying crunch when you bite into them. I couldn’t resist and I gave in and ate the remaining doodles.

Even though I counted my calories – which I had to spare, I still felt extreme guilt holding the empty Cheese Puff bag. Somehow that binge mentality kicked in and I felt like a common criminal left holding the bag. I know that 12 cheese doodles weren’t really a binge, but my mind was still accusing me of doing something wrong.

Because those old mindsets are not changed overnight, my behavior was still one of an addict falling off the wagon. I ate the doodles when I was alone. I even went so far as to bury the evidence – the empty bag, at the bottom of the garbage can. And then I didn’t say anything about having finished them when one of my kids asked, “What happened to the Cheese Puffs?” I simply remained quiet, not admitting or denying my part.

Regardless of the fact that I’d counted my extra doodle calories I still behaved like I was guilty. The one thing about pilfering Cheese Puffs is the evidence stays with you a long time. You know that cheesy orange doodle dust that clings to your fingers that nothing short of sand blasting can remove from your fingers? In spite of the fact that I washed my hands a dozen times, that doodle dust residue had stained the tips of my fingers a dull orange color.

I suppose the moral of the story (if I was looking for one) would be if you’re going to eat something that makes you feel guilty make sure it’s something that won’t stain your fingers and make you feel guilty every time you look at them.

Better yet, if you’re going to give yourself permission to indulge in a snack, make allowances for your snack by cutting your calories elsewhere. Don’t let the enemy steal your joy of enjoying your premeasured snack. Don’t buy into that guilty binge mentality if in fact you are not bingeing but enjoying a planned allowance. An occasional cheese doodle won’t throw your entire program off if you practice portion control. Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff.

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~ Author Unknown

10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord that you came so that we could enjoy our lives. Help me to make the most of everyday and live it to the fullest for we never know when a day may be our last one. May all that I do bring honor and glory to you. I ask all these things in your holy name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

God has a unique way of keeping us grounded (at least me) and helping me to see beyond my little “me bubble.” I’ve been moping and irritable with regards to my weight as it seems as though I’m to be stuck on this number forever. “It’s not fair, I’m trying Lord. Can’t you help me out – even a little?”

So goes my oh-woe-is-me state of mind. Sometimes I’m certain God must cringe when I get out of bed and launch into my morning prayers. My prayers aren’t always and only for me, myself and I, but some days it feels like I concentrate on my needs rather than the needs of others.

The last few days I’ve received emails from friends and loved ones asking for specific prayers for others – situations so unbearably hard to even read about, let alone to try and live personally. A friend of mine lost her husband this weekend after a long, grueling battle with cancer. Two friends lost young loved ones to drug overdoses. Another friend was asking for prayer for a friend of hers whose son was severely wounded in Afghanistan – the only survivor in his platoon. Another friend just received a diagnosis of cancer. Another’s husband of 20 years has left her and her children.

The prayer requests are endless and all heartbreaking. In light of the many attacks brothers and sisters in the body of Christ are laboring under at the hands of the enemy, I’m feeling ashamed of myself for even bothering God with my complaints about not being able to lose 40 pounds.

Bearing one another’s burdens is a heavy responsibility, but one that I’m happy to volunteer for because I know that God hears our prayers as we seek his mercy on behalf of others. Obviously praying for others serves a dual purpose in the fact that not only am I interceding for these troubled friends, but it takes my mind off myself which is a good thing. Sometimes I just get sick of me and my problems – which really aren’t even problems when compared to so many others.

The one thing I know about my God is He is a BIG God who is the ruler of Heaven and Earth and He is capable of meeting all of these needs and requests – and more. I know that He loves us all in our own uniqueness and that He is capable of dealing with a sister suffering with cancer AND meeting my needs to be healed from my food addiction and my slow metabolism.

The omnipotence of God is a hard concept to wrap my brain around sometimes. I don’t understand the whole science of flight either but that doesn’t mean that I won’t ever get on airplane just because it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t always get how God can continue to love me even though I’m severely flawed,but thank goodness God always gets me so I will never stop putting my hope and trust in Him.

Let God’s promises shine on your problems. ~Corrie Ten Boom

6 But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you. Matthew 6:6 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I thank you that you hear all my prayers – the spoken ones and the ones buried in my heart. Please help me to take my eyes off myself and help me to be more aware of the problems of others so that I might intercede and pray for them rather than focusing all my attention on myself. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

With less than one week until Easter Sunday and the conclusion of my self-imposed fast from all sweets, I must confess to being a little worried about what happens when that day comes. I would love to be able to boast that I’m completely cured from my sugar addiction, but that would be embellishment at its best.

It’s been well over 30 days since I began my journey to cut out all sugar and sweets from my diet and I still crave the sweet stuff nearly every day. Some days the urges are stronger and more consuming like my fall from grace a couple of weeks ago when I felt the need to fondle baked goods and mentally undress Ding Dongs at Circle K. Other days I barely give the notion of sugar a second thought - a slight blip on the radar is all and one that’s quickly banished. (Why can’t all my days be like that?)

Even though it’s been over 30 days – more than ample time to break this bad habit, it doesn’t feel “broken” yet. I’m worried about that point when and if I actually give myself permission to indulge in sweets again. I’m terrified it will be like opening Pandora’s Box and once my taste buds sample sugar again I’ll simply throw caution to the wind and resume my previous lifestyle. Or worse, try to make up for lost time and eat myself stupid with cookies and candy.

Perhaps I need to restrict sugar from my life altogether - indefinitely. Just the mere idea of not eating sugar is a concept I can’t seem to wrap my brain around. And while my brain and my thoughts about sugar are a big part of the problem, it’s my mouth I’m most worried about, well that and the two lightning fast paws that would be grabbing for Almond Joys at an alarming rate, faster than the speed of sound.

I’ve decided to set aside this week for additional prayer and perhaps additional fasting from my other major addiction – bread and all things bread-like in size and form … crackers, bagels, English muffins, etc. Ouch! I’m not going lie – that’s going to hurt.

As I dig deeper and try to root out the underlying issues of my emotional eating, I’m feeling that each day I discover more about myself. Some things are turning out to surprise me, and for other discoveries there’s simply no explanation.

There’s still a lot of self-discovery left as there’s still a lot of year left. Deciding to change is a big part of my self-discovery. Experiencing those changes is another story altogether. One change at a time – one story at a time. That’s all for today’s story.

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future. ~George Bernard Shaw

13 Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding. 14 For wisdom is more profitable than silver, and her wages are better than gold. 15 Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Proverbs 3:13-15 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I ask that you would guard my heart and my mind and help me to stay strong and resist temptation. I pray you will take away all desire for sweets and sugar so that I won’t even miss it from my diet. Give me wisdom to eat healthy and stay away from the things that I know I can’t control. Continue to walk beside me on this journey. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling the Holy Spirit at work in me peeling back more of my dysfunctional layers. It’s not been a fun feeling, to say the least. The message at church this weekend was “Surrender Leads to Freedom.” I knew as soon as I read the title for the message – I was in big trouble.

When I think surrender I conjure up images of war, terrorists and hostage situations. Not sure why. So my natural inclination when I think of surrender is you’re going to be held captive once you’ve surrendered to your enemy. The pastor’s message however, was quite the opposite. Surrender leads to freedom.

As I was listening to the message, I found myself overwhelmed with emotion and cried through the entire service. The message posed the question: who’s in the driver’s seat of your life? The pastor explained three options for this scenario, one being a control freak is more apt to be driving the car and not even let Jesus in the car. Secondly, a divided person might let Jesus sit in the passenger seat but they still wanted to be in control and drive. Or the third option was to let Jesus have total control of your life and let him drive while we sit in the passenger seat.

I felt convicted knowing that I’ve allowed Jesus in my car, but I’ve been doing most of the driving. I’m sure these analogies were meant to challenge the congregation with regards to every area of our lives, but I knew instantly that I was supposed to deal with my food addictions and weight loss issues. In nearly every other area of my life, I’ve surrendered all to God, but I realize that I’ve not totally bent my knee to Christ in this area and I’ve not let God have complete control of this area.

Oh my lips may have been saying all along that I was trusting God in this area, but my heart was not in agreement with my mouth. Before I left the service last night I confessed my rebellious attitude to God and decided that before I put anything in my mouth from here on out – I’m surrendering my stubborn will to God.

I’m not sure if this is what’s been holding me back or not. Only God truly knows what this revelation really means. But a girl can hope that once the blinders have been removed from her eyes (and her stupid pride and heart), God will be gracious and let me know if I’m on the right track.

If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found. ~Author Unknown

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Matthew 16:24-25 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord Jesus for removing the blinders from my eyes and helping me to see where I’ve been missing the mark. Forgive me for my ignorance and I pray with this new enlightenment you’ll grant me greater wisdom and deeper discernment. Help me to bend my knee and totally surrender EVERY area of my life to you. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Against my better judgment I decided to brave the scale today. I don’t know what I was thinking, but my stomach seemed flatter this morning – so I took a chance. I’d love to be able to report pounds lost, but alas, I seem to be stuck on one number that refuses to budge. With no change on the scale, for a mere fraction of a second I felt the pull of the dark side and the slide into depression beckoning me to give into self-pity.

In spite of the enemy’s attempts to seduce me with the darkness welling up within me, I achieved a small victory over him. I only wallowed for five minutes or less in my pity party – a new record, to be sure. During that five minutes though, I managed to give God an earful. “Seriously, God … do you hate me? Are you mad at me? Why do you continue to punish me?”

My rage was short-lived and misdirected as I KNOW that my anger should only be directed at the enemy for trying to trip me up and push depression on me for something as stupid as my weight. In the grand scheme of life, I KNOW how stupid, immature and self-absorbed I must sound not only to myself, but to anyone reading my blog and most importantly, to my Heavenly Father as well.
I’m sorry, God. I beg your forgiveness.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading this week and studying my Bible and I’m continually drawn to the stories of Job and his trials, as well as the apostle Paul and his repeated challenges.

I know that Job wrestled to understand what was happening around him and why his life was suddenly turned upside down. Job was never privy to the information that God allowed the enemy to attack him. He struggled to understand even as his friends and wife made suggestions urging him to simply “curse God and die.” Even without definitive answers from God, Job remained strong in his commitment to the Lord.

I know that Paul suffered from some sort of affliction for which there is no real answer in the Bible to what that affliction might actually have been. Paul begged God three times to remove the “thorn in his flesh” and God refused. God responded with: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)

I’m humbled knowing that Paul wrote much of the New Testament while in prison – knee deep in sewage, yet he managed to write : Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. Philippians 4:10-12 (NLT)

I have to ask myself, “Who am I that I should complain because I can’t lose 40 pounds?” I feel very small in my tantrums and like the spoiled child that I am. I can only ask that God would pour out his grace on me and help me to understand that His power works best in my weakness. And I ask that God would help me to truly learn to be content in every situation, whether I am at my goal weight or 40 pounds over that number. I will be content.

There’s a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside. ~Pearl Bailey

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord I pray that your grace will be sufficient for me and give me the strength to be content in whatever situation I am in. Help the refrain on my lips to always be it is well with my soul. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what life would have been like for us if Adam and Eve hadn’t fallen from God’s grace and eaten that forbidden apple. I for one am grateful to them with regard to the whole nudity thing because I’m profoundly uncomfortable in my own skin. (I still undress in a darkened closet for gosh sakes!) Can you imagine how different life would be it we all walked around in our birthday suits and that was the norm? Ewwww.

I’m not especially comfortable with nudity, especially as of late since I’ve been suffering under a full on assault from Mr. Gravity, Father Time and Auntie Menopause. With the triple threat of weight gain, my body and I are grateful I can hide all my flaws under yards of fabric. But still I can’t help but imagine how differently I would have behaved through the years if all of my flaws were out there for everyone to see.

I’d like to think if we were all on regular display we’d stop treating out bodies like toxic waste dumps and actually revere them as sacred temples of the Holy Spirit. Because our food addictions are tightly bound up with our emotional lives, our childhoods and all matter of accrued dysfunction, would we look at food differently if we knew that eating a dozen donuts was going to show up on our thighs in a few days – where EVERYONE will see it?

Because that’s not the case we’re tempted to think, well of course I wouldn’t eat like a hog if I knew everyone will see me and judge me by my cellulite. The truth is, even though our bodies are covered by clothes (thank goodness) not only do WE still see ourselves and what’s hiding underneath, but GOD still sees what we’re hiding under all those layers. Oh what … you think he leaves the room when we disrobe? Hel-lo! We have no secrets from God. We’re all naked before the Father.

Part of my resolution this year has been to get healthy, eat better and exercise more. BUT what I’m really hoping to accomplish is regardless of pounds lost this next year – I want to learn to love the skin I’m in and love me exactly where I’m at – no matter what the scale says.

I would like to be able to stand in front of a mirror clothed or otherwise and be able to see my reflection and see what a beautiful woman I am – cellulite, wrinkles, age spots and all. That’s a tall order for one who’s suffered from some sort of body dysmorphic disorder her whole life. God is doing a mighty work in me as he peels back the layers of my dysfunction in an attempt to reveal my marshmallow center – or whatever is the root cause of my food addiction.

I haven’t found my comfort zone with regard to my body yet, so no worries – I will not be joining a nudist colony anytime in the near (or distant) future. Ick! I continue to be a Work in Progress. (WIP) and every day I learn something new. I’m grateful God is merciful and taking his time with me, as I’m certain if he were to reveal everything that was wrong with me in one fell swoop, I’d surely buckle under the load of my own problems and most likely require long-term rehabilitation. Thanks be to God. He is good!

Our bodies are apt to be our autobiographies. ~ Frank Gillette Burgess

25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 (NLT)

7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. Genesis 3:7 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I ask that you would help me to become comfortable with myself and my body and not hide in shame. I am your creation designed by your magnificent workmanship and you created me to be unique and for that I thank you, Lord. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Someday I’m going finish writing my other three novels. Someday I’m going to visit Italy and look up long lost relatives. Someday I’m going to see all my children graduate from college. Someday I’m going to golf at Pebble Beach or Torrey Pines. Someday I will have more grandchildren to spoil. Someday I’m going to weigh what it says on my driver’s license.

It’s not that uncommon for most of us to entertain someday dreams. The ones I just mentioned are only a smattering of my someday dreams. But these few are up near the top. None of these dreams are unattainable, except perhaps the ones that require my children do something – like actually study hard and finish college and get married and reproduce. I hope their someday dreams align with mine.

Oddly enough, the one someday dream that may present the biggest challenge is the one about weighing what it says on my driver’s license. I’d like to think I’m not the only one in America who has been less than honest about her driver’s license weight. Doesn’t everybody fib on that one?

In the state where I reside, driver’s licenses are issued for 25 years at a time. When you make any kind of change to it they simply add another 25 years to your expiration date. Eight years ago when I got a new license I did weigh what it said on my license. It’s not my fault my state issues the license for 25 years! Who can predict with any kind of accuracy what they’re going to weigh in 25 years?

Somehow I doubt men embellish as frequently as women when it comes to their weight, but certainly there must be a few who’ve fudged on that number. I’m not even sure why we go to such lengths to avoid putting our actual weight on that official licensing document. Luckily for most of us they don’t make us strip down to our skivvies and weigh ourselves at the DMV. That would be ugly and not surprisingly there may actually be fewer people driving if that were the case.

I may not see that driver’s license number anytime in the next couple of months, but I’m confident that by year’s end I’ll be zeroing in on that number if I continue to follow my plan and exercise every day. My faith equals my someday dreams and I have every confidence in myself, my Lord and my meal plan to see the fulfillment of my success.

If for some reason I don’t manage to lose the weight, then I’ll try not fret since my driver’s license doesn’t expire until the year 2034. A lot can happen to a girl’s body over a couple of decades. Hopefully by the time 2034 rolls around, my weight won’t continue to be my major focus. I would imagine by that time I’ll be more worried about avoiding small children with my walker.

Whatever I weigh, I pray that someday I’ll be happy with myself and I can look back over my life and not have everything be about my weight. Eventually I hope to come to a place where I can say with all confidence, “what a great life I’ve had!”

There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. ~ Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815

3 This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Habbukkak 2:3 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I pray Lord that you will help me to make the most of each day – to work hard, play hard and laugh long and loud. I ask that at the end of each day I have no regrets only satisfaction at having made the most of my time. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

There have been times in the past (too numerous to count) when I’ve dragged my sorry self to bed with a stomach so full of food I was beyond misery. On those nights I prayed to be swallowed up by my king-size pillow top in my sleep so I could hide from my shame and be spared the reflection of my gluttonous self in mirror the next morning. With each trip down Failure Boulevard, I succeeded in not only stuffing my face and my stomach, but my self-esteem brimmed over with self-hatred and self-loathing.

I am pleased that since January 1st when I began my weight loss resolution to get healthy, I haven’t had too many of those uncomfortable shame-filled nights. On the contrary, I seem to be going to bed with a growling stomach more often of late. That in and of itself, is uncomfortable as well, but it’s a discomfort that comes with the satisfaction of knowing I didn’t bow down to the food gods. Self-restraint fills me with joy in the way food never could.

Even though I don’t appear to be shedding a lot of weight, I’m shedding bondages that have held me captive for so long I barely recall what life without food addictions was like. Most addictions are cloaked in secrecy and the fear that you never know when the weight of addiction clinging to your self-worth will rear its ugly head.

Even though I’m a long way from being totally free from these bondages I’m now more cognizant of the pitfalls of seeking security in food. So much so that I’m stopping myself before I give into the subtle seduction of food. The lure and temptations are still there, but I’m feeling so much stronger than I did nearly three months ago.

As with any type of addict, I know I’m only one Snack-pack away from a full on binge and I must be careful never to declare myself totally free or completely healed. When it comes to food versus an addiction to an illegal substance, food is always going to be readily available so I’ve got to learn to control it rather than letting it control me.

This week I discovered something about my addiction in the fact that it’s not even so much the food that has power over me, but rather my thoughts about food. In the past not only have I been unsuccessful in controlling my food portions, but I’ve been a complete and utter failure in controlling my thought life in regards to my relationship with food.

Change begins with saying no, one snack – one meal - one binge at a time. Change is successful when you control your thought life one negative thought at a time and replace it with a positive thought or Scripture. Having done all, I will stand upon the promises of God.

You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think. ~ Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997

4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I thank you that I am gaining control over my thought life. Help me to continue to walk in your ways and take every thought captive that does not line up with your Word. Strengthen me in thought, word and deed. Continue to mold me in your image, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I suffer from some sort of sleep disorder that seems to have no real pattern, so it’s oftentimes difficult to plan too far ahead because I never know what my energy level will be. Actually there is a pattern of sorts in the fact that, I can sleep really well for a couple of weeks at a time and then for no apparent reason, I’ll have a couple of weeks that are just the opposite and I sleep fitfully (if at all) for many nights in a row.

Even with the help of some sort of mild sleep medication, I still toss and turn all night – like last night. I’ve noticed that when I finally drag my exhausted self from bed the next morning, I feel as though I’ve got the worse hangover. I feel lethargic, fuzzy headed and just overall yucky.

The yucky feelings can’t be exercised away or showered away and cling to me for a good portion of the day making the day very unproductive for the most part. I feel as though I’m sleepwalking through my day and I accomplish very little.

These days are the hardest to stay on track with my eating plan. I’m too tired to weigh and measure my food portions. I’m too tired to cook something healthy when it’s just easier to run out for take-out. I’m too tired to push myself through my three-mile walk or lift weights. And I’m definitely too tired to journal about how tired I am and how exhausting life is. All I want is a nap!

Because these days are unpredictably recurrent with some sort of irregularity, it’s all the more important that I’ve written down my menu plan for several days (or a week) at a time. I try to keep several days worth of frozen Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine meals in the freezer for just such an emergency. These meals are premeasured and only require a few minutes in the microwave, taking all the guess work out of their caloric and nutritional value.

When it comes to exercise, my theory is that even slow or moderate walking is far better than no exercise at all. Remaining sedentary or napping in front of the TV may feed my couch potato desires, but won’t do much for my circulation, my blood pressure or my cardio-vascular health. Some activity is better than no activity.

I’m convinced sleep disorders are yet another tool in the enemy’s bag of weapons designed to keep us from being used by God. How useless we become when we’re exhausted and sleep-deprived! The good thing is I recognize these attacks against my sleep as just that – an attack, so I attack it right back with prayer and doing my best to go about my regular day as if nothing is amiss.

I may sleepwalk through some of my daily activities (like typing my daily blog) but I am not going to give the devil his due and let him steal my life from me because I’m too tired. On the bright side of one of these sleep hangovers, eating seems to take a back seat and I’m too relaxed to worry about every calorie that goes in my mouth. I don’t think I’m any less hungry, just so wiped out even eating is too much trouble. Hmm, maybe I’m on to something: the sleep less/weigh less diet. Go figure … a silver lining of exhaustion. Who would’ve thunk it?

If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he’d make a fortune. ~ Griff Niblack

8 In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I thank you Lord that I have a comfortable bed to sleep in each night. I pray that you will help me to lie down to sleep in peace and that my dreams would be restful. Thank you for watching over me each night as I rest. I pray the presence of your Holy Spirit when my sleep is troubled. Grant me favor in all things Lord Jesus. In your holy name I ask these things. Amen.

The airwaves are filled with people selling stuff designed to separate us from our hard-earned money. Most of the time, I’m immovable when it comes to As seen on TV ads and rarely give them a second thought. I must confess though to a certain temptation when someone is selling the latest greatest exercise gadgetry or revolutionary miracle pill that melts your fat away.

In all honesty, I’ve spent a fair amount of cash on some of these worthless gadgets and useless diet plans and pills. Apparently I’m not immune and quite gullible when it comes to weight loss. I’m sure no one is surprised at my confession.

Even though I’m making progress in my weight loss journey – albeit minimal progress at this point, I fear I’m still vulnerable to the hype of easy weight loss solutions. Realistically I know there are no easy solutions only working hard at every aspect of my weight loss program: diet, exercise, journaling, prayer, meditation and attending my weekly meetings.

In theory, it sounds foolproof but I still can’t help wishing there was a surefire can’t-miss product that would guarantee my success. Actually, there is and I stumbled upon it reading my Bible this morning. It’s called “Faith” and it comes in can.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can walk three miles today faster than I walked it yesterday. I can write down all my food choices today and stick with them. I can call my accountability partner when I’m feeling weak or challenged. I can have a positive attitude even when the scale isn’t moving the way I think it should. I can be successful no matter what the enemy tells me.

There’s all kind of faith to be found in a can and all it takes is the right kind of can opener. I need to open my mind to the possibilities of what I can do rather than what I cannot. Once I’ve opened up all my cans of faith, I’ve still got a bunch of other cans I can try. There’s a can of hope, can of love, can of trust, can of self-control. Who knew there were so many cans to be found simply by reading my Bible?

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back. ~ Arthur Rubinstein

12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ] who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord for your encouraging words found in Scripture. I know that with you all things are possible. Thank you for standing beside me on this journey and encouraging me when I lose my focus. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I have this friend who is very self-conscious about her arms. Even though she is probably 60 pounds lighter than I am and is a tiny petite woman, she still worries about her arms. She is seven or eight years older than am and long past the age of worrying about what people think of her, yet she’s so troubled by the appearance of her arms – even in the full heat of summer, she wears long sleeves.

She never seems to be bothered about wearing a one-piece bathing suit in public, but yet she still covers her arms with long sleeves all summer long. I was troubled by this behavior, because I’m pretty much the opposite. There isn’t enough money on the planet that could persuade me to don a bathing suit in public, yet I’m not bothered by wearing sleeveless tops in the summer. I have muscled arms that to me look just plain fat, but it’s too hot to wear sleeves in the summer. For me it’s not about the look but the comfort.

The mind of a woman is complex and unpredictable to be sure. Do we carry these weird body images of ourselves around in our minds like so much baggage even to the point of irrationality or are we just a bunch of crazy old birds?

I attend a weekly meeting with a group of women struggling with food addictions like myself. It’s been so enlightening to discuss our reasons for why we’re in the group and why we feel the way we do about ourselves.

I’m feeling somewhat liberated by the women who can boldly declare they simply don’t care what other people think about them and the way they look on the outside. Their main focus is to get all the junk out of their lives so they can go deeper with God and be about His work in a more efficient manner – without all their baggage.

As I go forward this week, I’ve decided to adopt this attitude for myself and fast from the negative body image I’ve been lugging around my whole life. It’s been exhausting hauling my emotional baggage everywhere. I’m simply getting too old to keep thinking this way. Since I’m approaching my “golden years” it’s high time I shed that attitude much like a reptile shedding its outer layer and enjoy my liberation.

If going deeper with God means shaking off the shackles of emotional bondage, then sign me up. I’m okay and I’m on my way and that means I’m free to be plain old me. At last!

We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves. ~ Author Unknown

23 Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. 24 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 25 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? Luke 9:23-25 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord for helping me to recognize these unhealthy attitudes in myself. I pray you will help me to lay them down and go forward with you. Mold me and make me into a pleasing reflection of you, Father so that I might be fully used by you to further the kingdom of God. I ask all these things in your holy name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Spring is in the air – at least where I live. I awoke to an absolutely gorgeous day. I know there are places around the country that are still buried under mounds of snow and you have my sympathies. Here in the desert southwest, these are the weeks we look forward to all year. It’s picture perfect Chamber of Commerce weather time out west.

I’m feeling particularly blessed to live in a climate where I can enjoy gorgeous weather and get outside and appreciate the fresh air and the sounds of nature springing to life. In light of the gorgeous day and the weather, I absolutely refuse to let any darkness, anxiety or sadness come over me – especially anything weight related. The enemy might as well sell it somewhere else, as I will not be moved to despair or depression.

Nothing’s changed; my weight remains the same. I didn’t magically wake up one size smaller. Somehow the same way the rainy gloomy weather a couple of weeks ago dictated my mood and my instinct to burrow; spring weather seems to have the same affect in reverse. I don’t want to burrow but rather play. It’s hard to be depressed about anything when it’s so beautiful outside.

Weather certainly has some strange side-effects. Rainy days make me long for fresh baked cookies and spring has me fantasizing for softball, bike rides and volleyball. Most of all spring makes me think of barbecue and all that that implies. Apparently my weather-related food triggers are yet another manifestation of a serious food addiction.

Today I’m craving grilled meat, corn on the cob and apple pie. The good thing about barbecue is it’s easy to keep it healthy and nutritious. Anything grilled is better for you than frying. Grilled vegetables lightly seasoned are full of flavor. Meat grilled on an open flame is both mouth watering and healthy. Avoid fatty cuts of meat and fattening glazes, remove the skin from chicken and it’s easy to keep your meal low-cal.

Barbecue trouble foods are potato chips, condiments and buns and salads made with mayo. Pick healthy alternatives to keep your calories down. And even though my taste buds are craving apple pie, I’m doing okay without the sweets so far. Spring and summer fruits are finally in season and are a fresher and healthier alternative chocked full of vitamins and fiber.

One of the best things about spring is it’s a great time to be outside and burn some calories. Any activity you do that gets you outside and moving is a plus and is better for you than holing up inside watching TV and snacking.

Last but not least, my sure-fire never miss spring suggestion is to go through your closet and find something to wear that’s brightly colored and sleeveless. It’s hard to be blue when you’re wearing yellow! Put on your capri pants and slather on some sun block and enjoy the spring weather while you can. It’ll be 110° before you know it.

The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring. ~ Bern Williams

13 “If you carefully obey all the commands I am giving you today, and if you love the LORD your God and serve him with all your heart and soul, 14 then he will send the rains in their proper seasons—the early and late rains—so you can bring in your harvests of grain, new wine, and olive oil. 15 He will give you lush pastureland for your livestock, and you yourselves will have all you want to eat. 16 “But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the LORD and serve and worship other gods. 17 If you do, the LORD’s anger will burn against you. He will shut up the sky and hold back the rain, and the ground will fail to produce its harvests. Then you will quickly die in that good land the LORD is giving you.” Deuteronomy 11:13-17 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord for the newness of spring and the sunshine. Drive out all the dark corners and help my spirit to be reborn and refreshed and blossom with the richness of life. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I grew up in an “I told you so” household with a “because I said so” mother. Now that both my parents have passed on, I frequently find myself getting those same responses and admonitions from my Heavenly Father. After having a few desperate housewife moments this week and feeling discouraged by this whole weight loss thing, I keep asking myself, “Why bother? Why should I continue?”

Oddly enough, my Lord has been telling me very clearly, “Because I said so,” while my body has been reminding me that if I slack off I’ll be sure to get plenty of “I told you so” responses from Him if I do quit. It’s one thing to get a “because I said so” from your mother, but altogether different when you get one from the creator of the universe.

My mother’s commands and admonitions were tough to hear and tough to follow, but the consequences of disobedience was hard to argue with. In addition to the “I told you so” and “because I said so” parenting practices my folks strictly adhered to, my parents advocated the “spoil the rod, spare the child” school of discipline. While I was tempted to argue and push the proverbial envelope from time-to-time, I pretty much toed the line.

As feelings of hopelessness have mounted this past week, my Heavenly Father has been a gentleman in the fact that he’s not threatening me with corporal punishment if I give up, but rather whispering in my ear. “I love you. I’m pleased with your efforts. This WILL be worth it. Don’t give up.”

How can a girl argue with that? Even though I have no guarantees that I will experience any kind of lasting success with my weight loss efforts, it’s enough to know that through this journey, I’m hearing the voice of my Father. In addition, through my efforts, my pain and my struggles I am truly drawing closer in relationship to Him.

I heard a woman say yesterday that she was past the age of caring what people thought of her regarding her figure or her weight. The only reason she wanted to lose weight was simply because her food addiction had become an idol in her life and crowding out Jesus in her personal walk with him. I think this woman summed up in one sentence what it’s taken me two and half months to realize.

When it comes right down to it, isn’t this what we all should be seeking rather than a perfect size 8 body? I should have that sentiment printed on a T-shirt to remind me daily, it’s not about the weight – it’s about the relationship. And when I doubt, all I have to do is remind myself I’ll keep doing this “because HE said so!”

I believe in the sun even if it isn’t shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent. ~ Author Unknown

5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the LORD’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. 6 For the LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” Hebrews 12:5-6 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I love you and thank you for saving me and calling me your own. I pray you will continue to pour your Spirit into me and guide me and direct me on this journey. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. We’ve all done desperate things to reach a particular goal. As I’ve been trying to get a handle on my own desperation regarding my inability to lose weight the last few days, I’ve recognized a pattern that’s pushing me to this desperation.

All my kids are home this week on spring break, so sticking to my meal plan has been challenging. That’s been my first mistake this week: I stopped writing down my menu plan.

My second mistake has been not listening to the advice and encouragement I’ve been doling out to others and applying it to myself.

Another huge mistake this week has been to totally take my eyes off my Savior – my rock – my refuge, the Lord Jesus Christ and try and do this whole weight loss thing on my own. I KNOW I can do nothing on my own, but with God all things are possible. So why would I ever think I could handle this without His help?

The worst mistake I’ve made has been in not listening to my own body. Because I’ve not been as careful with my menu plan, I’ve decided to push myself to unrealistic expectations with my exercise program. It’s an old habit of mine that has gotten me in trouble in the past. In my warped thinking, I justify eating extra calories by working out for longer more strenuous periods of time.

I am not a runner by nature and the very fact that I’m 40 pounds over my goal weight should give you an idea of how difficult running truly is. I don’t have a body designed for running in the fact that I have very short squatty legs and a short torso and the lung capacity of a three-year-old asthmatic. But yet, in my desperation to lose weight and force my metabolism to get on board with the program, I’ve been making myself run.

I have a “bad” leg (an old injury from the hip socket to the ankle bone that is reluctant to heal) so I shouldn’t be running at all. But try telling that to my stupid self. Even as my bad leg was screaming in excruciating pain with each mile this morning my brain simply refused to get the message. My head was ordering my limbs to push through the pain. How stupid am I? Pretty stupid as I didn’t stop immediately but kept running and walking for another mile.

I’m limping through the rest of my day and my knee is throbbing as a constant reminder to me, “You are stupid! You are stupid!” Sometimes I’m amazed how I can be brilliant in other areas of my life (no really, I am) but yet anything that has to do with my weight, all common sense goes right out the window.

In order to right some wrongs, I got out my menu planner and vowed to write down everything I ate today and for the next few days. No more guessing games. My accountability partner called and I got an earful of sage advice and Godly wisdom. I spent time in the Word of God, in prayer and meditation. Lastly, I slathered a fistful of smelly ointment on my bum knee and if the pain doesn’t keep me in line and force me to use common sense with my exercising, the smell should do the trick.

Desperate times … Even the best of us get stupid sometimes. The only way to survive our stupid selves – don’t make it a permanent lifestyle!

Mama always said “Stupid is as stupid does.” ~ Forrest Gump

I am weary, O God; I am weary and worn out, O God. 2 I am too stupid to be human, and I lack common sense. 3 I have not mastered human wisdom, nor do I know the Holy One. Proverbs 30:1-3 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord please forgive me for my ignorance. I ask for healing of my injured body and I pray that you will pour out wisdom and common sense to me so I won’t repeat my mistakes. Thank you for loving me in spite of my stupid self. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

The Ten Commandments were drilled into me from an early age. As I’ve gotten older it’s been a challenge to remind myself that they are in fact commandments (laws of God) and not merely suggestions. Some of them I have no problem with like keeping the Sabbath holy and not taking the Lord’s name in vain. I’m not bothered by that adultery thing and even though my parents are both deceased, I have no problem honoring them and their memories.

I do confess to having a problem with having no other god’s before me as I’ve admitted to having a food addiction. And what is an addiction if not worshipping something and bowing down to something that controls you? Clearly I’ve crossed the lines with that particular commandment. Purging the soul is very therapeutic and now that I’ve admitted my problem to myself and to God, I’m having more success at putting food in its place.

One commandment I haven’t completely mastered just yet is thou shalt not covet. The dictionary defines covet as: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another. I want what my neighbor has in the way of her metabolism. By all outward appearances, she’s a tiny little thing that doesn’t appear to have any weight struggles and can eat whatever she wants. I know I’m not supposed to be jealous of that – but I’m ashamed to admit it – I SO AM.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m being picked on when God places these people in my life that don’t seem to struggle the way I do. I’m sure my neighbor struggles with other issues that I’m not bothered by, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Especially when I know I can’t even smell a cinnamon roll without gaining a pound and she can eat two and never gain an ounce. That doesn’t seem fair to me.

I’m relieved God didn’t make “thou shalt not complain” one of the commandments or I’d be headed for serious trouble. Life is filled with trials and tribulations and living side-by-side with people who can eat all they want without consequence is simply a trial designed to make me stronger and develop my character.

As believers in Christ we’re to be an example to non-believers of casting all our cares on God rather than giving in to worry and fear AND jealousy. In order to win souls for Christ, we’re to model mature behavior and remain peaceful through life’s tough situations like battling food addictions and living with a metabolism that moves like sludge.

In addition to remaining peaceful we’re to be happy when our neighbors prosper and to celebrate with them rather than giving in to jealousy. So when my other neighbor who is following the same meal plan as I loses 10 pounds in two weeks and I’ve lost nothing – I’m supposed to rejoice and be glad with her rather than crying and complaining that God hates me. Above all, regardless of my weight or my neighbor’s weight, I will love the Lord my God with all my heart.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE. ~ Author Unknown

“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, give me strength to follow your laws and commandments and to be a light to those that are lost. I pray you help me not give in to feelings of jealousy for those who are enjoying success when I am not. Strengthen me and continue to mold me and make me in your image. I ask all these things in your holy name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

The last week has been a particularly discouraging one for me – weight wise. I’ve got some issues with a past checkered with stupid dieting practices that have now crippled me in the weight loss department. When you factor in my age which isn’t exactly young and the fact that I’m taking three separate prescription medications for various medical problems – I’ve got a lot of strikes against me making weight loss nearly impossible. And of course, there’s that whole menopause thing. Don’t even get me started on that. Sometimes I think why am I even bothering?

I absolutely hate the weight I’m currently at, but this may be the weight I’ll remain at for a very long time. No amount of begging or pleading with God or changing my diet to anything short of starvation is going to change that.

I knew a girl a long time ago in a very similar situation and she chose illegal drugs to help her and ended up nearly killing herself. Sadly, desperation pushes people to do stupid things. I know because I’ve felt the kind of desperation that led this girl to that option. I’ve done other stupid things besides drugs to lose weight - none of which I’d recommend to anyone. Desperate situations lead to desperate alternatives.

At some point, regardless of our weight, we must learn to accept and love ourselves at whatever weight we are. In the same way, the size we wear doesn’t define us neither does the number on the scale. We are not a number.

I keep repeating this issue as much for my sake as anyone reading my blogs. I’m having a hard time making the connection myself in spite of the fact that I keep harping on it in repeated blog posts. Maybe deep down I’m hoping God will eventually take pity on me and I’ll have a “suddenly” moment when my metabolism will miraculously be supercharged into burning calories at a faster than humanly possible fashion. Aww … wouldn’t that be lovely?

In the meantime, I’ll keep praying for the “suddenly” moment and keep harping on the “loving myself” issue until it actually resonates in my spirit and my head. I know there are people out there who have it worse than I do so I’ll do my best to make “lemonade out of lemons” and stop complaining. Someday when we all get to Heaven and get those new bodies we’re promised, this time in my life won’t bear thinking about. For now … this is me!

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet. ~ Ancient Persian Saying

39-41You will notice that the variety of bodies is stunning. Just as there are different kinds of seeds, there are different kinds of bodies—humans, animals, birds, fish—each unprecedented in its form. You get a hint at the diversity of resurrection glory by looking at the diversity of bodies not only on earth but in the skies—sun, moon, stars—all these varieties of beauty and brightness. And we’re only looking at pre-resurrection “seeds"—who can imagine what the resurrection “plants” will be like!

42-44This image of planting a dead seed and raising a live plant is a mere sketch at best, but perhaps it will help in approaching the mystery of the resurrection body—but only if you keep in mind that when we’re raised, we’re raised for good, alive forever! The corpse that’s planted is no beauty, but when it’s raised, it’s glorious. Put in the ground weak, it comes up powerful. The seed sown is natural; the seed grown is supernatural—same seed, same body, but what a difference from when it goes down in physical mortality to when it is raised up in spiritual immortality! 1 Corinthians 15:39-44 (The Message Bible)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I pray that before I can speak my complaints about my body, you will snatch the words away and help me not to voice them. I pray for self-acceptance and a new love and appreciation for my body that I’ve never know before. Thank you for all of life’s blessings! I ask all these things in your name Lord Jesus. Amen.

Spring is in the air and that means it’s a great time to do a little spring cleaning. Because my weight has changed by as much as 50 pounds in the last few years that translates to an assortment of sizes in my drawers and closet. And that means I’ve got a bunch of clothes that are either too big or too small, so spring cleaning isn’t just a good idea – it’s necessary.

Like most women who’ve encountered sudden gains or losses in their weight, it pays to keep a closet full of assorted sizes because you never know when you might need those other sizes. We women rationalize holding on to things because we’re planning on losing weight and fitting into that size 4 sometime in the near future. Even if we’re a size 16 now – it could happen. By the same token we’re reluctant to give away our larger sizes just in case we gain more weight.

I’ve got brand new clothes in my closet I’ve never worn that are smaller sizes because I was certain I was going to lose enough weight to wear them - someday. Hey, it’s hard to pass up a cute outfit on sale – even if it’s not your exact size – yet. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me.

The mind of a woman … it’s a scary thing, isn’t it?

As with everything, we can justify anything even buying bigger or smaller clothes, when in fact, what we should be doing is keeping our daily food plan, exercising four or five times a week and meeting on a weekly basis with other people who are struggling as we are so we can share our trials, our failures and our victories. We need to concentrate on sticking to our healthy lifestyle and stop making excuses for the sizes in our closet.

Ditch the fat girl/skinny girl notion!

I say clean out your closets and don’t let the enemy tell you to hang onto those bigger sizes for just in case. The best incentive for losing weight and keeping it off is to bless someone else and give away those clothes that are too big for you now. Once a week, get out that next size smaller and try them on until you can actually wear them comfortably. And then – give away – again.

Before long, you’ll be out of your “bigger” clothes; you will have blessed your friends with “recycled” clothes, you’ll be at the size of your dreams and the best part – you’ll have to go shopping for newer smaller clothes. Hey, it could happen!

Shopping is a woman thing. It’s a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. ~ Erma Bombeck

7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I ask Lord that you would help me to change my thinking from a fat girl/skinny girl mentality and just think “beautiful me at any size!” You don’t judge me by my outward appearance or the sizes I wear and I shouldn’t think I’m inferior based on the size of my jeans. Renew my thinking every day, Lord. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

At some point in this weight loss journey, a certain amount of boredom or discouragement is bound to kick in. For many that time came sooner rather than later and good intentions turned into yet another failed attempt to shed the pounds. Many have given up already.

As much as I’m struggling – still averaging a mere one-pound a week weight loss, I’m somehow hanging in there, but there are days when it feels as though I’m hanging by a thread. After 73 days (yes I’m counting) when others around me are experiencing great success and I am not I feel as though I’ve boarded that emotional roller coaster one more time. I’m up and excited one minute, wallowing in self-pity and as low as low can get, another.

My inner two-year-old needs a time out as I’m feeling a major internal tantrum brewing. “It’s so unfair! What’s wrong with me? Am I being punished?” I’ve thought all of these things and more. I wish I had answers, but even the best of us feel discouraged at one time or another.

Days like today require one to dig especially deep to try to find some kind of inner peace. Facts are facts – the scale is barely moving for me and that makes me angry – and that makes me want to eat. It feels hopeless.

At some point, regardless of my discouragement I must choose to either quit or continue. It matters little if my results will be slower than the average person. I’m not on a “diet” but have decided to make long-term lifestyle changes.

After nine or ten weeks, the honeymoon is officially over. As with any commitment the real work is just beginning. Anyone can go on a diet. Not everyone can experience lasting weight-loss success. I can do all I know to do and still not get the results I wish.

Discouragement is to be expected in any tough life challenge. There is no quick fix. There is only one real option for someone battling both a food addiction and excess weight: just keep moving forward and that’s what I’ve chosen to do.

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. ~ Jim Ryun

23 The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. 24 Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I’m feeling a little discouraged today Lord and I’m trying hard to stay focused and positive. Please forgive me and help me to change my attitude. Help me to get a good night’s rest and wake refreshed tomorrow with renewed determination. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I’m not someone who’s plagued by frequent migraine headaches (thank goodness). I’ve had a handful over the course of my lifetime and each time I’ve suffered through one, I found myself begging God “Please don’t ever let me get one of those again.”

After my close call with the snack attack that sent me to Circle K the other day, I’ve found myself praying a similar prayer, “Please don’t ever let me feel that desperate again, Lord!” I’m beginning to have an understanding for the phrase a monkey on your back, as I’ve been feeling this food addiction clinging to me like cigarette smoke in a Vegas casino.

I can’t seem to shake this feeling, is it stalking me? Is it waiting to pounce on me in a moment of weakness? Addiction has a powerful hold on me and I feel unable to shake this feeling of shackles binding my mind. I heard a friend recently admit to the same feelings of uncontrollable fears of giving in to her own food addiction. To hear someone voice the very same fears I’m struggling with seemed somehow comforting. I’m not the only one.

Of course, the answer to conquering any addiction should be obvious: none of us can shake our addictions on our own. That’s why 12-step programs for alcohol, drugs, sex, food and gambling addictions, etc. have such a great success rate. We need help not only from a support group or whatever program we choose, but we need to have a solid spiritual foundation that we can rely on as well.

The other day when I found myself wandering the aisles of the mini-mart fondling bags of chips and pinching packages of cupcakes, I should have reached out and called my accountability partner, but I was too embarrassed. I did do something right though, in the fact that I immediately took myself out of the situation and prayed for God to deliver me.

If that’s the only prayer I ever pray again “Please deliver me, Lord” I’ll keep on praying until I AM delivered. As with most addictions, we can’t afford to let our guard down and feel like we’re cured – especially when it comes to food. Food is legal and easily attainable. You can pick up the phone and have it delivered without breaking a sweat. We must never forget where we started from and how easily it would be to slip back into old habits.

“Deliver me from evil, Lord! I cannot do this without you!”

The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~ Author Unknown

“38 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” Mark 14:38 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: That is my prayer, today and everyday Lord – please deliver me from evil. Help me to resist the devil so he will flee. I pray I will not give into temptation because you know how weak my flesh is – but my spirit is willing and wants to defeat this foe. I ask all these things in your holy name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

If you’re someone like me who’s battling an addiction of any sort, you know how hard it is to dodge those triggers that set you off each day. My addiction – my drug of choice – is food – all kinds of food, I’m not picky. There are days when I feel I’m making progress, and then there are those days that feel like “two steps forward – three steps back.”

Yesterday I had a stressful day, nothing particularly unusual, just overall “life stress.” An unexpected bill popped up; I was having problems with a writing deadline I was trying to meet on a project that needed last minute corrections. My hormones were raging all day and most likely horribly imbalanced causing me to be irrational and weepy all day.

I was waiting for my son to arrive home from college for spring break and worried about the snowfall he’d be driving through. After worrying all afternoon without word from him, I found out later he’d called his dad to let him know he wouldn’t be home until Friday morning – but somebody forgot to tell me. In addition, I’m working on two new novels but feeling horribly inadequate and ill-equipped to do either story justice because my insecurities keep reminding me, “I’m not that good a writer.”

Needless worries and little problems that can somehow feel much larger in the mind of someone who hasn’t gained complete control over the mental battles raging in her mind. With all of these little “triggers” it can feel as though we spend all day dodging the bullets life is firing at us. It’s exhausting.

Yesterday, my natural inclination was to head to the nearest mini-mart and peruse the aisles for something crunchy, chewing or salty – or better yet, something unidentifiable because of all the chocolate smothering it. “What’s the harm in just looking?

In fact, I did just that and went so far as to detour out of my way after my morning hike and I stopped by Circle K. I bought a jumbo Diet Coke (right now my only allowable treat during Lent) and made a slow deliberate trek around the perimeter of the store.

Eyeing each bag of cheesy Cheetos and king size bag of peanut M&Ms, I lingered momentarily on the Almond Joys and mentally undressed the foil wrapped Ding Dongs. At that point I felt this noise in my head like the buzzing of a thousand bees and realized I was near to passing out with the lust I was feeling over a display of snack goods.

Grabbing the strap on my shoulder bag in a white-knuckle grip, I pivoted so briskly I nearly upended my 44 oz. sweat-proof Styrofoam vat of Diet Coke and made a hasty retreat to my car. Once I’d locked myself inside (I needed to protect myself from getting out of the car too easily) – I prayed, I begged, I pleaded for mercy. “Please God, stop me now! Take these cravings from me that are so powerful I want to scream until I’m hoarse! I need HELP!”

With shaking hands, I put the car in reverse and exited the parking lot in a hail of gun-fire – no not real bullets, but the lies the enemy was firing at me: “You can run, but you can’t hide! You’ll never be free from this junk food addiction! You’re a weak spineless mess – you’ll never change!”

I wish I was making this up, but sadly this is my real life! On the outside I may appear as a mild-mannered suburban housewife, but inside my head there’s a full out battling raging with my thought life. Once safely home, I buried myself in work, I did some online research; I prayed some more and meditated on scripture and eventually I made it through – slightly worse for the wear and slightly stronger for having survived my near slide back into the pit of addiction. You do what you have to do to make it through. One day down, one day closer to victory. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Chocolate is like medicine - but as with medicine, the key is the proper dose. Don’t overdo it. ~ Edward “Grandpa” Jones

“10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord for helping me through a difficult day. Give me the strength I need for each new day. Please control my cravings and help me to draw closer to you each time I say “no” to my food addictions. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I know I’m losing a little weight based on how my clothes are fitting, although I’ve only weighed three times since the first of January. I’ve adopted the attitude that no news is good news and I’d really rather not rely on the scale but on my clothes. Rather than weighing regularly, I’ve gone in the opposite direction and avoid the scale like phone calls from the IRS.

I have the same hang up with my bathroom mirror as I have with my scale. I’m simply not capable of seeing myself clearly and therefore cannot be objective. When I look in the mirror I zero in on all the things I think are wrong with my body – when in reality for a woman my age I look okay - not great yet , but I’m a WIP (work in progress).

I feel fairly confident in saying most women have a hard time seeing themselves in a favorable light. While men, on the other hand, seem to always see themselves as better than they really are. Perhaps something happens to us in the birth canal separating the boys from the girls.

Maybe there’s a weird transformation that takes place when our very first picture is snapped in the hospital nursery or when they press our tiny little feet onto that ink pad. Maybe they use a special kind of ink that leaves an indelible watermark on the girl babies that says: Objects in mirror may appear larger than normal.

Okay, I’m reaching here, but last week when I asked my friends to bring pictures to share for a project I was working on – out of six couples, not one single woman had anything nice to say about their picture. What is wrong with us? This cannot be normal behavior, but I’ve yet to find a woman who enjoys having her picture taken.

Here’s my suggestion to improve my outlook and hopefully yours. Put on your favorite outfit – you know the one; the one that makes you feel really good about yourself. Have someone take your picture and then file it away somewhere you’ll be sure to find it. In 10 years from now, pull it out and look at it and I bet you’ll be saying, “Man, I looked pretty great back then!”

The harsh reality of life is you’re only going to get older and if you don’t learn to love yourself the way you look today, chances are things won’t improve with age. Your alternative? Don’t wait 10 years to appreciate who you are today. Love yourself NOW right where you’re at and keep telling yourself, “I’m beautiful, my Father thinks so, and I look just like him.”

I believe the future is only the past again, entered through another gate. ~ Arthur Wing Pinero, The Second Mrs. Tanqueray, 1893

2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. 7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! James 3:2, 7-10 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I ask that you would help me to tame my tongue and stop speaking negative things about myself – but the bigger job is help me to stop THINKING negative thoughts! Retrain my mind and my mouth and help all my thoughts and words line up with the word of God and be positive, helpful and encouraging. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

My weekly menu has a certain ring of monotony to it. I create my plan on Sunday, lay it out before me and try not to veer too radically from my weight loss “road map” if I can help it. While to some this may seem a really boring way to eat, for me it means control and structure. Spontaneity tends to be my arch enemy when it comes to staying on a healthy eating program.

I confess I’m not always perfect. There are days when I find myself foraging in the cupboards looking for something “not on the plan.” I have allowed for a little “wiggle room” in my menu by making available extra calories throughout my day in case I find myself in a snack emergency. During this Lent season and my period of abstinence with sugar, I’m still craving sweets so I’m trying to fill those cravings with fruit.

While these fruit substitutes do the trick to fill my belly, my emotions are still feeling a little neglected and not being satisfied. After three weeks of sugar withdrawals, I’m hard pressed to understand what’s “eating me” emotionally. I think I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what’s at the bottom of these issues; I’ve taken my eyes off the goal.

Like trying to “see the forest through the trees” kind of thing, I’m focusing so hard on my root problem; I’m working myself into a state of panic. I’ve put so much pressure on myself and God to help me “figure this out” that quite literally that’s all I’m able to think about these days. That never-ending record playing in my head “What’s wrong with me?” is blocking out all else.

Today when I was praying and spending time with God, I felt a shifting inside. I got a one word message in my spirit: relax. In my pursuit to be healed from my many emotional wounds I’ve been wound up like a jack-in-the-box waiting for this great revelation to pop up any second.

Just because the answers I seek aren’t coming as quickly as I’d like, I shouldn’t be reading anything into that. Maybe whatever is “eating me” will reveal itself over time and maybe it won’t. Perhaps whatever “it” is may be so traumatic, I’ve buried it so deep I’ll never uncover it. Or perhaps it’s nothing and I’ve just got an overinflated imagination because no sane person would be addicted to food if they didn’t have a valid reason. Maybe I just really like food and there’s nothing at the end of this dilemma.

Whatever the case may be, I’ve decided to listen to that voice in my spirit and relax. I will continue to do my part and pray and seek God for answers and wait upon Him, because He’s in control – I am not.

Today’s menu has a few unexpected side dishes: a bowl of patience sprinkled with a dressing of wait-and-see, followed by a side order of self-control. They are not always the most popular menu items, but they are filling and the flavors stay with you a while.

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~ Chinese Proverb

5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:5-6 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I ask that you would prepare my heart to either receive the answers I seek, or help me accept there may be no answers forthcoming. I accept your will for my life and pray for a heart healing so I will no longer be troubled in my spirit about that which I don’t know. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

My husband and I have been working on a “debt snowball” for some time trying to reduce our debt and live without the stranglehold of financial bondage. Some days it’s so overwhelming to look and see how far we still have to go. But on the other hand, it’s rewarding to look and see how far we’ve come and the progress we’ve made with regards to reducing our debt.

That started me thinking about how nice it would be if we could somehow do a “weight loss snowball.” And no before your mind wanders, I don’t mean those chocolate cupcakes covered in that weird pink foamy sugary coconut coating. Don’t let your mind think about those!

While we can’t apply weight loss to the same “snowball” principle, we can make it easier on ourselves if we don’t focus on the overall number of pounds we wish to lose.

Suppose for example, you weigh 200 pounds to start (no I’m not referring to myself or anyone in particular, it’s just a nice round number). If your desired goal weight is somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 pounds (hmm, I’d like to live in that neighborhood), if you start dwelling on the 70 pounds you need to lose, the urge to give up along the way may be overwhelming. It seems unattainable.

Seventy pounds is a significant amount of weight to lose. Rather than focusing on the 70, think rather on 10 pounds. Concentrate on getting just below that 190 mark. Then once you’ve crossed over into the 180s, don’t think about the 60 you want to lose – think only about the next 10 pounds.

The same way the debt snowball helps you to knock out your little bills first, concentrating on smaller weight loss goals helps you to stay focused and not become overwhelmed by the much larger goal. Once you’ve lost 30 or 40 pounds, you will find yourself pushing yourself harder to achieve your goal weight. Perhaps you’ll increase your walking distance or even feel strong enough to run. Or maybe you’ll find yourself cutting out some little treat you’ve been enjoying just so you can keep your calories down.

As previously mentioned in an earlier blog post, a weight loss journey is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. If you jump out ahead and set unrealistic goals without looking at the finish line, you’ll wear yourself out and quit long before you reach the finish line. It is possible to achieve lifelong success if you pace yourself and focus on one step – one pound at a time.

All the so-called “secrets of success” will not work unless you do. ~ Author Unknown

“7 Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” Proverbs 1:7 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, help me not to focus on how far I have to go to lose weight, but focus on the progress I’ve made so far. My clothes are getting looser and that equals success to me. Give me the tenacity to go the distance and see this journey through to the end. I pray for success regardless of how long it may take me. I ask these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Pat Benatar wrote, Love is a Battlefield (most of us know how tough relationships can be); Joyce Meyer wrote the best-selling book, The Battlefield of the Mind. Many of us are battling depression, battling the bulge and battling addictions. And let’s not forget the battle of the sexes. Goodness – am I the only one exhausted? Life can be war sometimes!

I think out of all these battles, the most difficult to fight, conquer and win is the Battlefield of the Mind. (Excellent book, BTW!) The hardest part of eating right and getting healthy this year has been the constant mental fencing and pairing my mind is engaged in on a daily basis.

I’ve finally figured out (duh!) I can’t afford to let my guard down for even an instant when it comes to my food addiction. I overcame my cookie/cupcake baking challenge yesterday, but felt a heaviness, not quite depression, but more one of despair all day yesterday. How can I be so upbeat and positive one day and the next, quite the opposite? There is definitely a battle raging in my mind.

Heaviness of spirit, depression, despair, these are all strategies used by the enemy to trip us up and get us confused in our minds and spirits so we’ll doubt God even cares about us - prompting us to ask “Are you there God?” Well of course He’s there. He’s not gone anywhere. We’ve just dropped our guard and let the enemy capture our thoughts.

Holy Scripture says it better than I ever could in the book of Ephesians 6: 10-12 (NLT): 10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Apparently if we hope to be victorious resisting the devil, a certain amount of accessorizing is necessary. Dressing for success doesn’t just mean designer clothes and fashionable jewelry – but a real power suit means donning some necessary battle gear. The Word of God tells us we need to be outfitted from head to toe: shoes of peace, breastplate of righteousness, a shield of faith, the sword of the spirit (the Word of God) and the helmet of salvation.

Once we’re fully outfitted, we need to be certain that we’ve got a warrior’s mentality which means we can’t afford to be weak and slack and let those negative thoughts or attitudes control us. We must constantly be renewing our mind, thinking positive thoughts and even on rainy, gloomy days, we can’t focus on the way the climate makes us feel, but stand on the truth of God’s word and be prepared to fight!

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~ Author Unknown

“3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I pray for a sound mind that helps me to take all negative thoughts captive. Help me to don my armor and stand strong fighting this battle and help me never to let my guard down. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Just when I thought I’d uncovered all my hidden triggers for food addictions, I woke to discover a brand new one – one I’d never considered before. Who knew that weather could trigger powerful eating urges? Lo and behold, it seems as though rainy days have a power all their own.

We’re experiencing colder than normal temperatures in the desert southwest this year, coupled with an above-average rainfall. In my mind, a cold, rainy day translates to BAKING! I awoke to rain and I can’t stop my mind from dwelling on how baking cookies or cupcakes today would make for the perfect relaxing Sunday afternoon.

There’s something about letting the heat of the oven warm the kitchen and family room as we huddle under blankets. Eating cookies warm from the oven, watching movies all day and sneaking in a cat nap or two conjures up images of paradise to me.

I know I could still do all those things, minus the warm cookies and substitute a fresh-popped bag of healthy popcorn, but my flesh wants the cookies! And then I want to bake cupcakes and lick icing off the knife and decorate them with crushed Oreos and drink hot chocolate swimming in marshmallows and whipped cream. And OMG somebody please stop me before I give myself a sugar stroke!

I can’t get these images out of my head. Blame it on the rain! I was fine until it started raining cats and dogs. The radar shows this to be a storm likely to last a couple of hours. Once the rain is gone, it’s still going to be a chilly afternoon – so … how am I going to survive without the cookies and cupcakes?

My plan – and there really must be a plan – first, I’m going to avoid The Food Network channel for my afternoon TV viewing. Because let’s face it, according to the comedian Jim Gaffigan, that’s just porn for food junkies and he’s so right. It’s also important not to watch movies that pertain to food, for example, while the movie Julie and Julia was one of my favorite movies of last year – not a great idea to watch that when I’m in the throes of massive sugar cravings.

Trying to get my brain to focus on something other than food will be a herculean task, but not an insurmountable one. I have many options that aren’t food related, such as DVDs, reading, napping or maybe even a board game with the family when my grandson comes over. Half the battle is fighting the thoughts in my head and if I replace those thoughts of food cravings with positive alternatives, I may have a prayer. Just like PMS doesn’t have to mean chocolate, rainy days don’t have to equal cookies.

Of course a sure fire cure would be to go upstairs and rummage through my closet and maybe pull out all the clothes I’ve outgrown in the last couple of years. Maybe by trying to squeeze into clothes I used to wear comfortably will provide enough incentive to take my mind off cookies and cupcakes, at least for today.

Conquering this rainy day battle is just that, one rainy day and I’m a long way from winning the war on excess weight. But this is a war I must fight one day at a time, one cookie at a time.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. ~ Author Unknown

22One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and set out. 23As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. 24The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 25″Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.” Luke 8:22-25 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord for the rain that is such a blessing in the desert. I ask for strength to not allow the weather to trigger my desire for sugar and help me to overcome these urges to eat the wrong foods today. I thank you for all life’s blessings. In your name I ask all these things, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I feel the winds of change blowing in my life – and for once they’re not tornado gusts or hurricane gale force winds. I got an encouraging email this morning for a great upcoming opportunity and “the old me” (pre-New Year’s resolution) would have IMMEDIATELY thought, “Oh crap! How can I lose 20 pounds before this event takes place?”

This “new and improved, positive thinking” girl that I’m morphing into thought, “Oh wow, I’ve got to go shopping and find something nice to wear!” And this is important because I’ve still got 40 pounds to lose and that thought about losing 20 pounds didn’t even enter my mind! EVERYTHING has always revolved around hiding my weight gain – or on those rare occasions, accentuating my weight loss. But not today!

This opportunity is so exciting, that my reaction became more about the actual event rather than focusing on the weight I need to lose. Okay, so maybe I’m “mountainizing” mole hills, but to me, this feels huge.

For most of my life everything has been about my weight. I’ve defined myself – even as far back as early childhood – as a chubby girl, a frumpy housewife or lately – a middle-aged menopausal muffin-top, full-figured woman. For my mind to not instantly focus on the weight but finding an outfit that would make me feel good about myself is indeed a sign that I’m making progress.

Two weeks ago, when I’d shared I’d only lost seven pounds in seven weeks I felt something finally break in me. It was at that admission, I realized that even if I never lose another pound, THIS IS ME, and I need to accept myself and love myself not based solely on what I weigh, but simply for who I am and I’m a good person. Apparently based on my initial reaction to my good news today, without even realizing it, I’m beginning to model my decision.

In the past, it didn’t matter what the event was – a birthday party, a reunion, family barbecue or even (I’m ashamed to admit this) a funeral, my absolute FIRST thought like a condititioned response or Pavlov’s dog was, “Oh crap … how can I lose 10 or 20 pounds before this funeral, etc.”

I see my “old” self as the most self-absorbed woman ever to walk the earth, that even in the event of someone’s unexpected death, I was focusing on me. Because let’s face it, when you attend a funeral you invariably run into people you may not have seen in decades and of course they’re thinking, “OMG, has SHE ever gotten fat!”

Hello! Wake-up call … nobody cares about my weight because people are usually too busy dealing with their own issues! And of course, especially at a funeral I should be thinking how can I encourage and support the bereaved, not “I wonder if this skirt makes my butt look huge.”

Okay, so maybe I AM the most self-absorbed person on the planet and I’m the only one who’s ever thought these horrible thoughts. By admitting them publicly I’m admitting my problem, taking responsibility for my issues and begging God to continue to heal me.

I know change doesn’t happen overnight, but I must confess, it’s exciting when those winds of change begin rustling through my life as I’m quite ready to blow these self-absorbed, addictive behaviors out of the way and get on with what God has in store for my future!

Sorry, this was a long post today – some days I’m a major word junkie – and today I needed to vent!

Blessings to all!

If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. ~ Author Unknown

“22 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. 25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” Mark 11:22-25 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Thank you Lord, for small victories! I see your hand at work in my life and I’m so immensely grateful. I pray you will continue to guide me and lead me and change anything in my attitude and heart that are displeasing to you. I ask all these things in your precious name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Two weeks ago I decided to lay my sugar addiction on the altar and give it to God for the 40 days of Lent. Now that I’m smack dab in the middle of my monthly Pretty Mean Sister (PMS) stage, I’m starting to have serious doubts about that decision. What was I thinking?

It turns out there IS NO substitute for sugar, most specifically chocolate when hormones are all over the map and I’m as jumpy as a barefoot tourist on hundred degree day at the beach. I find myself walking back and forth to the pantry constantly throughout my day for something – anything I can eat that will satisfy these urges.

To combat the sugar cravings I’ve doubled my intake of fresh fruit, which can lead to some uncomfortable digestive side-effects, details of which I’ll spare you the ugliness of. Because of the fiber, an apple is infinitely more filling than chocolate but has a long way to go on the emotional satisfaction meter. Now if I could dip that apple in chocolate or caramel – then yeah, it might get the job done. Clearly, I know this is not an option. But I can’t seem to convince my brain to stop thinking about chocolate.

It has been my pattern to push the envelope each month during my hormonal power surges and ignore the rules of sensible eating for 5 – 7 days each month. Since I’ve made this commitment to get healthy this year, pushing the envelope isn’t exactly allowed. Darn! When a woman has been having regular monthly hormonal power surges for as long as I have, it’s hard to manufacture a different mindset. I’ve always used sugar as a coping mechanism during this time of the month.

Once I started my weight loss journey in January, I was able to find healthy alternatives to the chocolate/sweet thing during that time of the month. There are a number of low-calorie sweet treats out there that adequately satisfy your sweet tooth. But during this 40-day period for me – there are no alternatives.

Even as I type this and my body is craving chocolate, I’m hearing that still small voice reminding me of what sacrifice really means. It’s almost as if I can see my Lord stretched out on the cross and him looking down at me saying, “Oh really, you’re uncomfortable and miserable?”

It brings tears to my eyes that I could even for a second compare my discomfort of sugar withdrawals to my Lord’s suffering. Whew – I’m a big selfish mess, aren’t I? Some days it’s hard to wrap my brain around the fact that He could still love me as I am. Luckily I don’t have to analyze it – just accept it. Thank you, Lord!

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~ Edmund Hillary

“153 Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law.” Psalm 119:53 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: I know sugar withdrawal is nothing compared to what you suffered, Lord, and I’m sorry for being so focused on myself. The fact remains that my suffering is very real to me and I’m feeling extremely weak and challenged. I’m consumed with fear that I’ll be tempted to stop and buy something to alleviate this very real addiction and I don’t want to. Please give me strength to get through this day. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Hormones, emotions and feelings (HEF) are what I call the Trifecta of trouble when it comes to losing weight. This trinity of trials oftentimes attacks us subtly or separately, but oftentimes they can all gang up on you at one time. Guess where I’m at this week? Yep, - Trifecta galore.

Logically I know this week will prove difficult because of my pre-monthly hormones and I generally make allowances for the hormones and the two tag-alongs that wear me down at every turn. Some months are easier and I barely notice the power surge of emotions and feelings. But other months – it’s not so easy.

I’m sure there must be a scientific reason regarding the Earth’s orbit or some such thing that causes me to be overly emotional and hormonal on some months and not others. In fact I just read that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chili may have actually shifted the Earth’s axis. Perhaps that explains my out-of-control emotions this week.

I’m extra tired, extra cranky, extra weepy, extra-extra emotional and over the top extra hungry. It’s funny how the symptoms for menopause mimic those of pregnancy! (I’m thinking God has a wicked sense of humor.) The harsh reality of all these “extra-extra” read all about it hormones, emotions and feelings is sticking to my menu plan is harder than ever. Weighing and measuring my food portions – I don’t think so and avoiding sweets and sugar – are you kidding me?

If we’re to survive the HEF days, we’ll require a very specific, detailed road map – otherwise we’ll lose our way and get so far off track, we’ll end up right back where we started. If ever there was a time to stick to the plan – this would be it.

While I was hiking today, my hiking partner reminded me of the parallels to hiking and our weight loss journey. If we look too far ahead we’ll become discouraged when we see the gigantic hill we must climb. If it looks too hard and steep for us, we’ll be tempted to turn around and go back the way we came.

The same is true if we look behind us to see who’s trying to overtake us. When we’re looking behind us – we’ll miss the boulders under our feet and most likely trip and fall. We MUST keep our eyes on the path we’re walking so we can side-step the obvious obstructions under our feet. And if we must look up – look up to God and envision Him encouraging our progress. Even if you don’t “feel” like you’re making progress, every day you stick with it – every day you say no to a temptation – every day you get up and exercise – YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS! Every day you are one step closer to victory.

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~ Jonatan Mårtensson

“17 For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 If you serve Christ with this attitude, you will please God, and others will approve of you, too.” Romans 14:17-18 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord I pray my hormones, emotions and feelings won’t control me and cause me to get off course. Help me to dig deeper and uncover that hidden strength inside of me as you work out all these addictive behaviors in my life. I bend my knee to you, Lord Jesus and ask for your constant presence and guidance as I walk this difficult path. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I’m working on a picture project for a group I’m involved with and requested pictures of each couple in the group, forgetting of course, I would need a picture of my husband and myself. Duh! Too late I remembered my aversion to having pictures taken of myself and so of course now I’m scrambling and coming up totally empty.

Searching through two decades of photos, my collection of family photos is vast and includes thousands of pictures. Yet, I was hard pressed to find more than a dozen or so pictures of myself, with the exception of wedding pictures. This of course has been a regular complaint from my children whenever they’ve needed family photos for anything at school. Their complaints are unanimous, “Mom, there’s no pictures of you!”

My picture phobia is a lifelong problem dating back to my chubby childhood which invariably captured my image spotlighting my horrendous overbite, freckled face and pixie haircut. Today isn’t much better. Every picture I’ve ever seen of myself is a constant reminder of the things I dislike about myself. Usually my weight is first and foremost, but I’m generally unhappy with my overall appearance.

While God has been doing a mighty work on me and my attitude, some habits are harder to break than others. I’m still uncomfortable having my picture taken and no amount of prayer can move my immovable resolve to avoid cameras at all costs. Logically I know this is an unfair attitude to maintain because it is so unfair to my children. Some day when I die, my children and their children will have few photographs to remember me by. I know I must work hard to change this before it’s too late. I KNOW I need help in this area!

Just as excess weight gain is typically a manifestation of some deeper issue, I’m certain this picture paranoia is a manifestation of something much deeper as well. No doubt these two toxic issues are married to one another and are ganging up on me making me totally neurotic. There are days I wonder how it’s possible for God to take someone like me who is such an emotional mess and continue to grant me mercy and still love me in spite of all my problems.

I trust I’m not the only woman who feels this way sometimes. And while I’m fairly certain I must be suffering some sort of hormonal imbalance today reacting this way to pictures – I’m also pretty certain that this little ploy is simply another attack from the enemy designed to steer me away from God. His subtly is amazing and very nearly worked today. It’s a good thing I know that scripture says “submit yourself to God, resist the devil and he will flee.” (James 4:6-8)

Picture this – if you have a picture phobia like mine, in the future each time someone points and shoots for that perfect Kodak moment, smile and say “no weapon formed against me will prosper.” (Isaiah 54:17) And then remind yourself that you are made in the image and likeness of God. You look like your father and he thinks you’re amazing!

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“27So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I know that it grieves you each time I find fault with my appearance and my weight. Please forgive me, but unless you send your Holy Spirit to change me from the inside out, I fear I’ll never overcome these issues. I WANT TO CHANGE, Lord, I really do! But without you, I am weak and fragile. Please forgive me. Come Holy Spirit and do a mighty work in me so that when I look in the mirror, I see what you see – my beautiful spirit and my loving heart. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

I was reading the book of Job recently and perplexed about the fact that Satan and God had a running conversation regarding this man and his life. Job was a blameless man who feared God and stayed away from evil. (Job 1:1). Satan approached the Lord and they discussed Job and what a fine man he was. What transpired was a series of tests discussed and debated between Satan and the Lord. These weren’t just little tests, but life-changing, catastrophic events that changed the course of Job’s life.

If you’ve never read the book of Job, it makes for fascinating reading and there’s much we can learn from that book. One thing that really struck me and terrified me to my very core is the answer Satan gives to the Lord when asked, “Where have you come from?” Satan replies, “I have been going back and forth across the earth, watching everything that’s going on.” (Job 1:6-7) Ewww, that’ enough to make the hair on the back of your neck to stand up!

The reason I mention this is I’ve been feeling very “tested” lately and wondering if my inability to lose weight in spite of my best efforts is some sort of trial God is putting me through. Or, is this merely the enemy getting involved in my life and purposely tripping me up? Perhaps the enemy wants me so discouraged, I’ll just “curse God and die,” which is what Job’s friends encouraged him to do during his trials.

Comparing my inability to lose weight to Job and his ordeal is really no comparison. The man lost all of his livestock, became disease ridden and saw all 10 of his children struck down and killed in one fell swoop. Clearly my unresponsive metabolism is nothing compared to that. After much suffering, God restored to Job all that he lost and then some. The chapter concludes by telling us Job was blessed in the second half of his life and died at the ripe old age of 140, after a long, good life (Job 42:16). I can only hope for half as much.

If my weight loss issues are simply a test, the only option is for me to press through and endure to the end. If this is more about the enemy trying to ensnare me and goading me into quitting, my alternative is still the same. I must hunker down and find comfort in the fact that God cares enough about me to test me. If this is a test, he wants ALL of me committed.

If my trials are a result of the enemy stepping in and getting involved, the mere fact that he’s worried about me doing well and drawing closer to God must be very upsetting to him. That’s motivation right there to give it my all and do my best. When I view all the facts in this light, it’s a win-win situation. God is good!

Faith makes things possible, not easy. ~ Author Unknown

“10 When Job prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes. In fact, the LORD gave him twice as much as before! 11 Then all his brothers, sisters, and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the LORD had brought against him. And each of them brought him a gift of money and a gold ring. 12 So the LORD blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning.” Job 42:10-12 (NLT)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I love you and thank you for caring about me and continually imparting insight and wisdom into my life. I thank you that each day, my resolve deepens and my desire to serve you is flourishing. Thank you for all the blessings in my life and for sticking with me through this journey. Continue to give me strength. In your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

When you’ve spent nearly your entire life satisfying your cravings for sugar, it goes without saying when you decide to eliminate that addictive substance from your body, there’s going to be a certain amount of resistance. It’s been 11 days since I said good-bye to sugar and I’m not feeling particularly free from my addiction just yet. I’ve been feeding my emotions with sugar in all of its various forms for decades, so it’s unrealistic to expect that my taste and desire for it will magically diminish in a mere 11 days.

I’ve been told it takes 12-14 days before your body adjusts and you start feeling somewhat “human” again. I must confess there are some underlying animal instincts very much alive and unhappy inside of me now that my addiction to sugar is being addressed. Experts agree it is “normal” to feel a degree of discomfort as your body adjusts to the lack of sugar. One can expect some unpleasant physiological symptoms resulting from the withdrawal of sugar – even when there is no nutritional value in sugar to begin with.

Withdrawing from sugar is a very real physical malady which can affect everyone differently. I’ve been experiencing headaches and irritability as a result of my withdrawal as well as anxiety and depression. My purpose for eliminating sugar from my diet began with my sacrifice for the 40-day period of lent.

The last 11 days has seen me reaching out to Christ on a deeper level than ever before. I’ve suddenly realized how deep my addiction to sugar truly is and quite honestly if I don’t reach out and cling to God, I can promise I’ll never survive the next 29 days without sugar. I’m thinking there must be some really important lesson God is going to teach me throughout this journey, why else would I be suffering so?

For encouragement, I recently read a story of King David in 1 Chronicles 21. In this chapter, David has committed a great sin against God by having a census taken of all the Israelites. God was displeased with him and offered David three punishments to make restitution – none of which were pleasant. In the end, the option David chose resulted in the immediate death of 70,000 people. Wanting to offer a burnt offering in sacrifice for his sin, David sought to purchase property where he could offer his sacrifice. The owner of the property refused payment wanting to give the property to David. David refused saying that he wouldn’t give a sacrifice to the Lord that cost him nothing.

I know sacrificing my sugar addiction in no way compares to what Christ sacrificed for me on Calvary. But rather than sacrifice something that would cost me little – a favorite television show, biting my nails or diet soda, giving up a major addiction to something I’ve depended on for emotional fulfillment is proving to indeed be a huge sacrifice for me. One that I pray will ultimately result not only in my freedom and release from that addiction, but a closer walk with my Lord.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. ~ Author Unknown

24 But King David replied to Araunah, “No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the LORD what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.” 1 Chronicles 21:24 (NIV)

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Lord, I offer my sacrifice of sugar to you in the hopes to draw closer to you. I pray as you deliver me from this addiction, I can replace my love of sugar for a closer relationship with you. Please help me to cope with the uncomfortable physiological symptoms I’m feeling, and I pray they will serve as a reminder to me of what you sacrificed for me. I ask all these things in your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.